If you’ve found a keeper, want to test the waters, or are just curious…

When Tom and I first started dating, I didn’t know any of these French dating rules and found them out after or through others who were dating French guys.

A couple of nights ago, I was sitting in a restaurant with a mélange of expats and some poor Frenchies who had the misfortune of winding up in my presence. If French people stopped being so damn lazy and invested half of the time they spend complaining into actually doing something, magical things would happen.

With three functioning brain cells left to rub together after days of holiday boozing, I took a receipt and started mapping out a list of reasons why the spawn of Rimbaud and Baudelaire don’t seem to be doing it for me in the romantic sense. Cancer would be cured, the French economy would stop progressively going down the drain, unicorns would fly and procreate. However, I will argue in my defense and reinstate that hygiene in this country is suffering.

Every relationship is different, though, so please don’t take my little guide below as the end all and be all of French dating.

Expect next-day contact and a date within the first 48 hours.After a year of living in France, my standards have plummeted to the point where I am shocked if a man offers to buy me a drink or gives up his seat in the metro for me. I have two Latin American girlfriends currently in relationships with French men.Both claim that they have to regularly conduct little Hygiene 101 pep talks with their significant others, in which they explain that showing is a I stopped there.A cute floppy-haired French boy was looking at me with big blue eyes and I could not continue scarring him with my jaded judgments.After all, I moved to this country – clearly, there must be something I enjoy.