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Olson Assistant Professor – Human Development and Family Studies The Pennsylvania State University – Altoona Altoona, Pennsylvania [email protected] A.Dennis Chair, Department of Home and Family Brigham Young University – Idaho Rexburg, Idaho [email protected] movement toward evidence-based practice has been evident across a variety of disciplines that involve Extension specialists, educators, and other professionals.In addition, certain aspects of the model were significantly related to positive marital outcomes. Wallace Goddard Certified Family Life Educator Professor - Family Life University of Arkansas Cooperative Extension Little Rock, Arkansas [email protected] P.Marshall Associate Professor - Family Life University of Arkansas Cooperative Extension Little Rock, Arkansas [email protected] R.Conflict-avoiding couples tend to be acutely aware of where areas of independent functioning overlap into areas where cooperation and negotiation are required.

Here’s what it comes down to: If you don’t believe your feelings are genuine, real, and legitimate, nothing your partner says will make a difference.

I’d been searching for a Band-Aid to cover a hemorrhage. Whether through touch or through words, validation that I’m worthy was like a drug. So it was no surprise in couples therapy, when our therapist explained to my then boyfriend that he needed to say that he “heard” me and that my feelings were “legitimate” and “made sense” that I felt like I had finally won. It turns out there is a fine line between wanting your partner to understand you and wanting your partner to validate your feelings.

For years, I wanted others to confirm that my feelings were okay to have.

He spoke on how we can change the world by changing our relationships. He went on to explain how we strive to connect with others in order to experience a taste of the joy and love we once received from our primary caregivers. The fact that I need him to tell me I have a right to feel this way is exactly what’s keeping me in a relationship that’s wrong for both of us.

This connection is our deepest desire and losing it is our greatest fear. It’s counter-intuitive to look to relationships to fix wounds from our past. The belief that I might find joy in a relationship because it might temporarily quell a deeper abandonment issue is the exact reason I remained codependent for most of my life. Whether or not another person sees it, I have a right to feel the way I feel.

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